Asylum Seeker: Metal Man

NOTE: This is the second of the ongoing "Asylum Seeker" which only reviews any movies that's either original or mockbuster to The Asylum. In addition, it also focuses on other mockbuster movies that's not done by The Asylum themselves in anyway whatsoever. Why is it the second? Well, Let's unofficially call "The Apocalypse" the first and get on with that.

I seen nearly all Comic Book media adaptations since it's one of my chosen sub-genres to anything and it's probably because I'm an self-obsession comic book fanatic and I got a little confession when it comes to these adaptations. I seen Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, Howard The Duck & Batman and Robin and surprisingly enjoyed it. Why? I was a dumb kid when I have the only Superman sequel on VHS and was over-hyped on B&R when Arnie plays the villain. Damn, I wish I have that Doritos Cells Tie-In. As for Howard the Duck, It's now an "so-bad-it's-good" cult favorite. So sue me if I like these bad movies but if anything, They are nothing bad than this shitty mockbuster movie known as Metal Man. It's the worst rip-off of Iron Man ever made and it's surprisingly made by an studio other than The Asylum. It's that bad that I wish The Asylum did made the movie but denied that it's one of their properties.

Wow, The tagliners of the first RoboCop movie is sure gonna make an lawsuit

Before I start, I could say a couple of things. One is the production/release year of the movie - I wish I could give you the full details but I'm not sure of when it was made. Some places suggests it's made in either 2008, 2009 or this year. They should make up their fucking mind. If it's really made in 2008, I could spoil the whole story but I sworn myself to spoil a little other than the ending and twists to any movie release this year and the year before. I do make an new suggestion - I'll review it again as an second opinion and spoil you the full-length horror even if it's released this year. Another is that I'm surprised this movie existed. Why? Because not long ago, I did an DIY game on That Guy with the Glasses forum called "Make Your Own Asylum Mockbuster" which involves our take on rip-offs of any movies that Asylum hasn't done yet and this is one of the entry to the game. Why not my ideal rip-off of Twilight instead of this? Now all I wanna see is the moment that Joe Quesada sued these filmmakers now.

If you seen Metal Man, There's an chance that you should forgiven Joe Q for that "One More Day" disaster. And surprisingly, I'm now one of the people so you're now forgiven, mister quesada.

There's an story and a sub-plot involved - The story is that Kyle Finn (Samuel Nathan Hoffmire) is an college student who assigns to an experiment conducted by Dr. Arthur Blake (Reggie Bannister of Phantasm II-IV fame). During the experiment, Kyle is locked in cryogenic status (or something like that) with an "Metal Man" suit and Arthur got killed by the antagonist Sebastian Reed (P. David Miller). In an event of Arthur's death, Kyle now avenges and becomes the shitty hero that is Metal Man while he is aided by the so-called virtual simulation of Arthur himself (hidden on his armor helmet). Well, the whole part of the story is partly true but one minor flaw that I don't wanna reveal just yet. Trust me on this.

Didja know there's an actor known as "Count Smokula" playing an news reporter in this movie!!!

The sub-plot involves Dr. Marissa Lee (Jill Shackelford whom surprisingly both the actress's name and her character is missing on Metal Man IMDB page at the time I wrote this) works for Sebastian but secretly wanna stop him for the death of her father (It might be Arthur Blake or something else but it's not mentioned anyway) and her attempts failed when her assistant (Katherine Pawlek, previously well-known as "Emma" on those Lonelygirl15 videos) being killed and an latter scene of Sebastian pulling Marissa's hair while being an bastard to her. I'm seriously saying this so Sebastian Reed is the worst villain I have ever seen.

This is how Dr. Marissa Lee's assistant died in this movie. If you turned on by this picture, please seek help.

You Know What? It is now considered to me (and few-to-many others) as the worst Superhero movie ever made. It made me fucking depressed and pissed-off and I haven't been like that since the first (and only) time I watched Uwe Boll's Seed. Oh, Don't worry, I'm back to my normal ways now. First thing I have to say is the acting and while Arthur Blake and Marissa Lee are the only okay characters (well almost), I have problems with the others. First is Kyle Finn, He act like an whining bitch at the early minutes he's stuck in Metal Man suit and he doesn't act like an full-pledged superhero. Not only that, He didn't kill any supervillains because of Arthur's death (and one thing that I'm saving for another time so trust me on that as well). He did save about three whole people in the movie - Marissa, Some coked-up girl and Julie, Kyle's girlfriend but that's about it. Kyle saving three people, not killing villains (even sending them to prison would be okay but none of that anyway) and... Oh, I forgot to mention that the only time Metal Man ever flied is during the ending credit montage. This is an Iron Man rip-off movie and the only time to see him flying is after the main storyline ended. Are they fucked up in the head?

Metal Man, The only hero who refused to fly during the whole movie.

Then came Sebastian Reed, I'm just gonna say that whoever dated the actor himself should either date somebody else or get out of her closet because he's an woman-hitting bastard. He's worse than any villain I seen from The Red Skull (1990s Captain America Movie version) through even Sharon Stone in Catwoman. This actor should be having an heart-attack right now because I don't wanna see him act again after this travesty. Then we get to Kyle's girlfriend Julie (Leah Grimsson) and she also whines when she got captured by Reed's henchman. She even fucking acts like that when she sees Kyle being stuck in the Metal Man armor and I'm glad that the scene involving her and Kyle in the farm barn literally exits her character and it's that funny. Sure, there's this very-pointless dream sequence involving them later on but then she just exited stage left.

Julie is played by Leah Grimsson, her previous role is an 13-year-old character in "Polanski Unauthorized". Wait, What?

I got nothing much on Marissa's assistant and few others because they're pretty much forgettable but I do say something about Kyle's other enemy that is the Mecha Terror (which is owned by Sebastian Reed) and I think it was supposed to be the other main attraction but the thing is that he has pretty much an short theatrical appearance in the only battle that involves an an plane with innocent passengers and pilots being destroyed. That's right, An plane with unknown people is destroyed during the battle of Metal Man and Mecha Terror - Which one did it? Fuck if I'm telling you this so unless you pick the copy - remember my shitty rules.

This is what the Mecha Terror looked like. Is everybody pleased or not?

So there's the first take on my review. This movie is utterly shit, the acting is that bad and there's fillers here and there (for example, the most pointless Dream Sequence ever filmed). And for the armor, I think the Iron Man seen in Disaster Movie is a bit better than this. I'm now pissed again. And since The Cinema Snob does reviews on Shot-On-Shitteo movies, Metal Man could be "Shot-On-Bad-Porno" type of movie because of the camera quality. Come to think of it, Metal Man could have been the "Rule 34" reimagining of the Armored Avenger himself but there's no softcore/hardcore fucking involved.

If your boyfriend looks like an bad Iron Man Cosplayer, please tell him if he's seen "Metal Man" and runaway if he did.

And one last thing I like to say is the song in the final credits - All of us had rock out with Black Sabbath playing Iron Man (or some instrumental cover) in the movie but this tune known as "Heavy Metal Man" by Captain Crunch is nothing like that at all - Heavy Metal Man doesn't have the same type of musical style as Black Sabbath even if it's Ozzy, Dios and some other singer. I'm gonna spit this out now - Captain Crunch, don't ever tour in the land of Australia or you will get thrown by an beer bottle by me or somebody else. Yeah, I'm threatened this fucking band so now I wanna hear their say on that and I really do.

Ever since this band started singing, I also now forgiven both Nickelback and Creed and listened to their songs instead.

I'm seriously saying that this movie should not exist at all. Better yet, I still want Joe Q to sue these fuckers and let that lawsuit be mentioned in an issue of Wizard Magazine. And last and not least, This could be an perfect new flick to be on top of the IMDB Bottom 100 charts perhaps forever. I wish any of those happened so I'm saying now that if you like this movie at all, Please go to the nearest mental asylum and say "Shock Treatment" repeatedly (but don't say like you wanna see that 1980s cult classic). I don't wanna talk about this movie but maybe in 12 months time, I might. I even gonna spoil the shit, the whole shit and nothing else but this piece of shit. Seriously, this movie is that awful so I should stop. Now I need to lie down and return to my comfort zone.

The Room Screencaptions

Note: Due to the fact that Nostalgia Critic and ObscuraLupa's separate reviews of "The Room" is putted back on blip.tv website. I decide to delete my original note and leave the screencaptions instead.

Forget Joaquin Phoenix, I wanna see Tommy Wiseau in the rap game.

Hmm, At least it's nothing like that billboard to The Brown Bunny.

Justine Ezarik is gonna star on ''The House That Drips Blood On Alex'' so expect some out-of-nowhere sex scenes and repeated use of dialogue involving cheating on Tommy's character with somebody else.

It might seem like an April Fool's Joke back then but I badly wanna buy this comic instead of that awful Lady Gaga one!

Just A Harmless Attack #1: Twilight

Note: The following comments and jokes might offend Twilight fanatics. Then again, It might not so if you hate Twilight then please read along but if you like Twilight, well you can join in as well.

It is now certain that I'm yet another Anti-Twilight fan (or in their case, a''Twi-Hater''!) and while I wish I was called something else that these "Twi-Hards" having giving us (seriously, who named these names), I'm already certain that a very little group of people that likes the franchise is now reading this article. Well, I don't blame them if they hate the way I'm gonna talk about. Though, They should know that I'm not the person who thinks Twilight sucks so at least, I will be safe on this one. Oh and I try to keep it to an minimum just in case that I'm not some Internet Troll.

Spot The Difference: One of them is not an Twilight Cosplayer and somehow ended up on this picture.

First I'm gonna talk about the actors (and less about their characters) and I'll start off with the ''heartthrob'' that is Robert Pattison. Though I hardly seen any Harry Potter movie adaptations (I don't hate Harry Potter so that one is clear off the JAHA series), I know the fact that Robert himself is one of those adaptations and an perfect reason why the Hollywood executives are looking for an pale-skin vampire for this soon-to-be talked about movie. I'm not much against this guy but I do have something against two of his nicknames – R-Prattz and Spunky Ransom. These are the two of the weirdest nicknames for any celebrity that I ever heard. First of all, R-Prattz sounds like an childish rapper sensation and that seems to just cover it. Second of all, Spunky Ransom is both stupid and far-out funny. Not that it sounds like one of the names seen in ''Porn Star Name Generator'', It's just an funny ring to some teenage heartthrob. Spunky Ransom... It should have suit for somebody else but for this Edward guy, it's a bit hilarious.

''Duhhh... I'm Spunky Ransom. I'm da bess vampire in da hall wide road''

Then we get to his real-life (or staged) girlfriend herself, Kristen Stewart. Prior to Twilight, I have nothing against her anyway. She was good in Panic Room. But when she appears in the following scenes of this movie, She just looks either doped-out or very sleepy. Gee, I'm not even sure if she's acting perfectly. Let's say the next Twilight adaptation failed big in the box office and an premature ending to the franchise, then what will happen to ''K-Stew''? With or without Spunky Ransom, her life is probably darker. But that's just my point-of-view.

''Hey...I'm Kristen Stewart... And you might have seen me... Where's that coffee that I ordered?''

Then we get to Jacob Black himself, Taylor Lautner. I seen his previous role in ''The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl'' (Hey, I'm an Robert Rodriquez fan) and I enjoyed a bit of his performance but it's nothing interesting. But when he gets to Twilight itself. He is nothing interesting on the first one (which is the only one I seen... so far!) and that's before he went big on the sequels. Uh, I got one thing against him – He did the usual William Shatner shirtless routine (and that also goes with the rest of his Werewolf pack). Why? Is It just another fanservice idea for all the female fans? I don't much care about that.

This is the guy who not only used to be in ''The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl'' and yet, He is actually ''terrified'' of actual sharks.

I can't say much of the supporting cast, the villains and so on. And that's probably because I seen the first movie. But when I seen the television spots, the websites and anything else. It looks pretty weird and the weirdest to me is Dakota Fanning as an red-eyed vampire something, an shirtless Werewolf pack and that Jasper guy. Something is weird and fucked-up about this and If I were stoned watching any of these movies, will it work or still be weird?

Why does this image of Twilight Werewolves remind of something?

Oh, that's it! It reminds me of an screenshot to some bad David DeCoteau movie (Gee, Samantha Mayer must have strange taste).

The second part of this article involves the directors and while the first two is unheard-of-me (to me and until now), I can something about the one who directed Eclipse. First we have Catherine Hardwicke, the one who made the first one. She was already well-known for Thirteen, The Nativity and Lords Of Dogtown. I seen Thirteen and it didn't interest me and I enjoyed watching Lords Of Dogtown (I haven't seen The Nativity but maybe I will some day). Well, She deserved an free pass even though this is the director who did the first Twilight movie so I'm moving on to the second director. The one responsible for New Moon is Chris Weitz and he's the one responsible for Fantasy Island (the one with Malcolm McDowell), Down To Earth and About A Boy. I think he also has an free pass because well... I seen the stuff he did and also enjoyed it. Now comes David Slade. Then we have David Slade. Give me an second to think about my take on David Slade...

AAARRGGGHHH! Why Does David Slade suddenly direct an Twilight movie? Why?

Okay, done screaming at the outdoors. David Slade is the guy who did two of the best movies I very much enjoyed – Hard Candy and 30 Days of Night. He also made some cool music videos and prior to knowing he direct Eclipse, I think of him as one of the coolest directors of the last decade (I also think Richard Kelly is cool but he then made Southland Tales) and he is directing this sequel. What the fuck happened to you? You made Hard Candy, an perfect tale of Ellen Page brutalising an possible paedophile that is Patrick Wilson and you made 30 Days Of Night, one of the coolest comic book adaptation and this is how you end up with. Why? Is it because of the money? Is it because you like Vampires so much that the executives say no to you on ''Dark Days''? What just happened here? I'm not sure anymore but the person who directed Eclipse is not the David Slade I enjoyed and I'm pretty sure that you're replaced by an doppelganger or something. I'm gonna go outdoors again and scream in terror before I move on the next part.

This is how somebody else feels when he realised who directed Eclipse?

Okay, I'm gonna stay sane and get through this. Now comes the plot device. I already mentioned that I seen the first one and I should mentioned that I never read any novels (including Twilight) since well, sometime after school. I'm an fanatic comic book reader and it's the only medium of my reading material (other than news articles). This universe of Vampires and Werewolves seems to be inaccurate and it's not just that ''A Vampire Shines on Sunlight'' thing, it's something else. It could be that so-called ''Volturi'' and I seen better vampire coven in Buffy and Angel. Then again, it could be something else. There's also an Vampire-vs-Werewolf thing happening in Eclipse and I'm pretty sure that Stephanie Meyer watched too much of Underworld (or that awful sequel/prequel movies). I'm sorry if I can't help figuring it out what the fuck is going on so you just reading to an person who hasn't seen ''New Moon'' or ''Eclipse'' just yet.

The Bella lookalike is played by MistressMelia and damn, that is how accurate Kristen Stewart supposes to look.

This part of the attack is the Fandom itself and fuck me, I never seen the franchise so big since the Lord Of The Rings hits the big screen. There's stationary, graphic novels, figurines and even fake shit here. I'm pretty sure there's even an no-budget porn version of Edward and Bella's adventures. This... is getting way out of hand. Even the part about the nicknames like ''Twi-Hards'' and ''Twi-Haters'' which begs me the question on those nicknames. Why? It's more stupid than ''R-Prattz'' itself. I already confessed about me being an ''Twi-Hater'' and that sounds very stupid. Where did that ''Anti-Twilight'' name go? I rejected those kind of nicknames and prefer to think of myself as Anti-Twilight humanoid. Oh, and what else is disturbing is those Edward underpants... well let me say something about on this following caption/picture...

There's no friggin' way I will have sex with an hot female while leaving this underwear on. No friggin' way.

... But I have one thing about this Fandom that I can sort-of take and it's those related Soundtracks. It has my favorite musicians involved (and several that I hardly listen). I mean, I can take Muse involved in the Twilight wagon because Stephanie's an big fan of the band. I can take Beck and Radiohead involved in it so the soundtrack is pretty much having an free pass but please, no Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga or Simple Plan on the later soundtracks, Please.

Muse: Even with them on the Twilight bandwagon, They're still one of the coolest bands I know (And I wish I could think of an joke but dammit, This is Muse).

Is there anything else that I seem to be missing. I think I'm out of ideas at this point so at last, What do I still think of Twilight Saga itself. Other than David Slade, I'm still a Anti-Twilight dude but now that I dissect this multi-million sensation, it is okay that it's still around. Will I watch New Moon and Eclipse? I do have an younger sister so who in god knows. I can tell you that I'm not looking forward to ''Vampires Suck'', the latest parody movie as done by the Selterzerberg team and it's not just because it's about fucking with Twilight, It's more of the directors themselves. So in a safe way to say this, Twilight is not the worst thing to hit us by far and if you like or hate it, do so anyway.

Though, I don't listen to much of Paramore... I find the lead singer strangely attractive and yet, I'm not an Emo teenager!

So until I take on the social network next week – I decide to either watch Buffy, Angel, True Blood, The Lost Boys (well, the first one) or Blade It because that way, at least these vampires aren't that shiny.

Just A Harmless Attack: Introduction

What does this thing have to do with the movies I'm reviewing and other articles? Well, I know that elsewhere online we have an neverending group of fans arguing about ''Who Shoots First?'' on the Star Wars saga while there are surprisingly fan forums, fansites and anything else of stuff you and/or I have hated (for example, Uwe Boll has his own fans in any so-bad-it's-whatever movies prior to well, Rampage). This focusing on me taking an look at anything I hated on my daily basis to ask this question: Does this [insert-name] actually suck at what I thought and have I been wrong all along?

Will Dubya be part of these harmless attacks? He did lied about the WMDs, right?

Plus, the title itself ''Just A Harmless Attack'' is just a bit inaccurate since there might be harmful stuff to say from time to time but I like the title for a reason – It sounds a bit like it comes out of an unaired Monty Python sketch. On the following weeks (while this week involves Twilight), there will be my point-of-view on The Social Network, Reality Television, Lady Gaga, heck... I even throw in Nickelback somewhere. Why not? And whatever the results will be – it will be such an ride.

Oh Twitter, I'm never an follower and I must know about your evil soul!

Oh, and if you have any suggestions to any JAHA topics that I might discuss in the near future (or movie reviews that I either have or will track down), just give me your words on francisdarko@ymail.com and also send me a message on That Guy With The Glasses forum (I'm there as ''GoofyHairOzzie''). Tomorrow, I'll be taking on the biggest thing to hit the modern-day culture that is the Twilight saga so get ready to send those hate e-mails.

Coming This Sunday – I'm gonna take on William Katt's screen test for Star Wars and why is it so overrated? (Okay, I was just fucking around but imagine The Greatest American Hero as Luke Skywalker?).

TGWTG Film Club Review #5: A Serious Man

It's pretty obvious that I'm noticeable as yet another movie buff but here's the thing: I haven't seen all of Roman Polanski and it's not because of his charges against an underage girl... it's because I haven't got the time to see The Pianist or Rosemary's Baby. Heck, The only Sidney Lumit films I seen are Network and Before The Devil Knows You're Dead. And Surprisingly I haven't seen movies that stars Ronald Reagan but I do know he played an US President decades before he actually succeeds as one. I'm the kinda critic who has the average movie buff knowledge. And You already knew about my Mad Max/Road Warrior mistake. So now comes the Coens Brothers directorial works. Believe it or not, I actually seen all their movies from their debut feature Blood Simple through this movie. Not only that, I even seen Crime Wave and it's produced by them.

Joel & Ethan Coen: Making us believe that Fargo was an true story since 1996.

Since we getting to A Serious Man, It's another Coens movie that doesn't seem like the Coens themselves had made it despite no George Clooney starring role and no cameos with Bruce Campbell or Frances McDonald. Though I like to an Coens movie with Bruce Campbell in a starring role. One Day, It will happen.

An Coens Brothers movie with Ash in an main starring performance, It must happen! It must!

Like The Brothers Bloom, This movie is recently released and that means no spoilers and plot twist for another year or so. The movie sets in Minnesota in 1967 and focuses on Larry Gopnik (Michael Stuhlbarg, who previously appeared in five movies) who's facing his mid-life crisis situation that involves his Wife leaving him for another man while his brother (played by Spin City's Richard Kind and a good performance here) is slacking off like he has no job and no place to live. Meanwhile, Larry's son is also in an situation of avoiding him being bullied before of the money that he borrowed for his high times with marijuana.

Larry Gopnik is secretly played by Jason Lee but the Coens can get away with everything (Yeah, I can't think of a good joke on the only actual screencap from the movie itself so sue me). 

While Larry's life is fucked at this point, He is seeking his Rabbi priest in order to get an divorce but ended up with two other priests that he don't find suitable for the divorce situation, including one played by Simon Helberg (best known on ''The Big Bang Theory''). And while this movie involves what the Jewish life was like in the 60s generation, there's deaths, an dream sequence (I blamed the Oscars for thinking that was real in a 2009 movie montage) and bizarre scene with Larry's son and the Rabbi priest which involves the meaning of... well, you have to see it.

The truth about ''The Meaning of Life'': The title of an 1980s sketch comedy movie starring six well-known British comics. No seriously, The cast of Monty Python are gods amongst all comedians.

What's strange about this movie more is the prologue that doesn't seem to be related to the story other than the Jewish connections so it felt like the Coens made their own ''Big Lipped Alligator'' moment so it is a first and I know because I seen all the Coens movies.

Coming soon from the Coens Brothers: A Cereal Man starring Al Gore... and Man-Bear-Pig!

To sum it all up, this movie is okay and good to watch along with The Ladykillers, Raising Arizona and well, Intolerable Cruelty (which to me is the least-favorite of all Coens movies) and fun for a drinking game. So here's to the first Coens movie with brand new cast (other than Richard Kind and Simon Helberg) and drink it up because their next feature, True Grit is on the way. Before I done, I'm gonna review an non-TGWTG Film Club movie next week because I don't have an copy of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels which is one of Guy Richie's best so I have to suffer myself with something awful and bad.

So freaking what? I seen parts of ''Who's Nailin' Paylin?'' and to be truthful, Dick Cheney does the shooting of this movie.

TGWTG Film Club Review #4: Twelve Monkeys

Ladies and Gentleman, I'm here to make something official – Twelve Monkeys is the best movie directed by Terry Gilliam. No, Really. To Me, This is the best Terry has ever done along with Fear and Loathing, Brazil and Monty Python and the Holy Grail. The movie is suspenseful, mind-blowing and claustrophobic at the same time and I enjoy every minute of it. Now I know that it's not Terry's original idea since it's ''inspired'' by La Jetee, an 1960s short film with an similar plot and I never seen it. Sure enough, It can be seen on YouTube but I know how it ends... that is unless Terry change the ending up an bit. So let me start the story...

Did you know that Terry's original idea of 12 Monkeys actually involved Talking Monkeys? Nope.

The movie involves James Cole (Bruce Willis), an prisoner who keeps having dreams involving the death of an certain somebody on the airport. He exists in an now-alternate future where the virus (I call this ''The Gilliam Syndrome'' since I forgot what's it called or that they never mentioned it) drove the remained humanity to underground and let the animals roam the earth (or one city that well, I spoil you later). He is assigned to travel to the mid-nineties to see how ''The Gilliam Syndrome'' started and so on. But here's the fucking twist, Their time travel device is malfunctioned and actually sends him to 1990 to the point he is committed to an mental institution. You know what? That is an good plot device, An actual time-traveller send back in time and his actions landed him to the loony bin. We haven't seen that in other time travel movies before that (well, except that ''1985A newspaper article'' on Back to the Future Part II but moving on)... 


Bruce and Brad are pissed that Ashton Kutcher's twitter stalkers are always near them.

During his stay in the Baltimore Mental Hospital, He meets two people that becomes part of his life – Dr. Kathryn Railly (Madeleine Stowe, who pretty much does few films and several television stuff before her retirement to the movie business last year) and Jeffrey Goines (Brad Pitt, who pretty much does more films before I discovered him to be an atheist and I can take that). Now Jeffrey Goines is send there because of his animal rights and anti-consumerism. Wait a minute, Brad Pitt plays an guy who's not down with Consumerism. Screw Jeffrey Goines, I'm just gonna call you ''Tyler Durden'' throughout the review.


Brad Pitt is an atheist! Okay, What is Angelina Jolie's religious status?

Back to the Baltimore 1990 storyline and the movie became filled with familiar Gilliam motifs and styles even to the point Jack nearly escaped but he eventually send back to his own timeline. Oh, and I forgot to mention that Kathyn thinks Jack is a bit familiar but we get to his third time-travelling part later. Nothing much happens before his second time travelling occurs when he accidentally is send to WWI era and got an bullet. Not only that, he's not the only time-traveller to being accidentally send there since his friend Jose. But don't worry, he is eventually send to the mid-nineties and kidnapped Kathryn who's now an best-selling author. Jack wants to track down Tyler Durdan but before that, they see an painted graffiti of ''Twelve Monkeys'' logo (along with Muse poster who predates the band's first album) and an weird shop with plants and animal noises soundtrack. It's claustrophobic at best and I'm going straight through Jack meeting Tyler Durden who's now acting like an spoiled son of his millionaire father (played by Chrisopher Plummer) and it's a matter of minutes before Jack returns to his timeline.


I didn't know Muse have the part of this movie, Sweet!

Before the third time-travelling act, Kathryn gets visited by Detective Elliot Stabler (okay, Christopher Meloni as an detective but who cares? He's still Stabler) and later discovers where she recognised Jack from earlier, on an WWI photo with Jose also pictured. Now on the final act and things are getting crazy, Kathryn now believes Jack's future history and they try to prevent the virus. While thinking it was Tyler's doing, they are actually releasing animals to the streets (along with killing Tyler's father!) and it was actually Dr. Peters (David Morse) who has the holding of the virus and about to unleash on the airport. Jack and Kathryn (in disguise) are attempt to stop Dr. Peters before Jack sees Jose and other time-travellers in the airport and this point explains the ending – Dr. Peter did unleash ''The Gilliam Syndrome'' and Jack attempts to shoot Dr. Peters but the security guards with guns stopped that. And Jack's death is being seen by an little kid who later turns out to be Jack Cole. That explains the nightmare part of the story.


Don't tell this kid but he will grow up to be Hudson Hawk and that Easter Bunny from North.

The movie ends with Dr. Peters on the airplane, Jack Cole closing the time loop and the world filled with animals. To Me, this is the best Terry Gilliam I ever seen (again, along with the other three I previously mentioned) and it's one of the best Time Travelling stories ever told. Now if excuse me while I'm gonna leap to somebody else and putting things right that once went wrong and hoping the next leap will be... well, you get the idea.

Sunuvabitch, I leaped into an monkey again!

What A Theme #1: Southland Tales

Not only it's been few days since America celebrated their own day of independence, it's also couple of years since Richard Kelly's second feature known simply as ''Southland Tales'' tear the fabric of space/time continuum and this movie... in a bad theatrical-edited version is still fucking watchable at times. Why? Let's see...

''The Rundown II: Giving The Torch Back'' (I'm done with Dwayne/Arnie connection for good, by the way.)

Set in an alternate reality where WW III occurred following the nuclear bombing of both El Paso and Abilene, The movie focuses on Boxer Santaros (Dwayne ''I Am The Next Arnie, Bitch'' Johnson), an action star whose mind is empty enough to sleep with an porn star (or in perfect case, an celebrity who is so amnesiac that he fucked Sarah Michelle Gellar). Yeah, we get to SMG herself as Krysta Now, who resigned her position on the adult industry and made an hardly-watchable reality show, an energy drink that could have same flavours as Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt and an song where Teen Horniness is cool to perverted old man. Meanwhile, We have Seann William Scott as both Roland and Ronald Taverner, twin brothers where one is kidnapped and painfully injured at times while the other posed as the other who is working for neo-marxist group known as... uh, USIDeath. Yeah, they can't figure an better name but to confuse the civilians with US-IDent (I'll get to that in a second).

If Teen Horniness is indeed not a crime, Then I'll be scared to see if Paedophilia is the next option to be legal.

While not giving us further backstory (you better get Southland Tales graphic novel prequels that's still available), The US-IDent (lead by Nana Mae Frost and her husband Bobby, played by Miranda Richardson & Holmes Osbourne) are trying to keep America safe from USIDeath from bringing chaos and destruction. The movie gets into the point of I'm-so-confused territory as Boxer Santaros tries to find answers to WTF is going on and The Taverners are finding each other. However, They came into contact with past SNL cast members like Amy Poehler and Nora Dunn (even Jeneane Garofalo manage to appear in the film but her scenes are cut-out... well except one). There are parts that are fucked up (two CGI cars humping), not necessary (Christopher Lambert getting hurt in one scene) and some-are-okay (Boxer's contact with Treer which has Wallace Shawn, Booger from Revenge of the Nerds and so on). I'm gonna skip all parts including Jon Lovitz (who plays Bart Bookman!) and Will Sasso, who both of them are trying to act so-badass but there's failure involved.

I Just Wished Connor MacLoed had survived Highlander: Endgame and that way, Adrian Paul will be in this movie instead.

The end takes place on July 4, 2008 and it appears it's hello to Apocalypse as Boxer Santaros discovers his reason for being here, Krysta Now still doing nothing and The Taverners reunited only to find out they are both one and the same existing in the same space/time continuum. Yeah, Roland and Ronald are the same person but one is from an alternate future. I'm almost done, anyway. And they saved the universe by doing the same thing as the two characters on Ferngully (holding hands which has the glowing effect) and became new messiah according to Justin Timberlake (he's also in this movie) which means the End.

So the world ended on Independence Day... Didn't Roland Emmerich did something about that once? (This is taken from an concept art)

This movie is the perfect art of confusion and with many well-known stars (I forgot to mention Bai Ling, Mandy Moore and Kevin Smith as an legless Iraqi War vet who has an white hair) and while it has an decent soundtrack (except ''Teen Horniness Is Not A Crime''), this movie should extra timing on production like Apocalypse Now! To say it simply, this movie is not painful like the others and can be watchable but it does still create headaches to us all. I like Richard Kelly for Donnie Darko and I can take The Box but Southland Tales... well, I'm still waiting for that so-called ''Expanded Edition'' he promised us to deliver and maybe this movie will hopefully make sense... or not!

I'm not making any ''Kevin Smith as Santa Claus'' jokes because he still kicks ass, however...

... I wanna make an joke on Justin Timberlake with a scar so send me an email and maybe I'll steal yours instead.

I do have one thing to say – There's an surreal connection to this movie and the cancelled television series Jericho with 1) Boxer Santaros played ''Jericho Cane'' in a never-produced screenplay (I'm not going through ''End Of Days'' reference with another Jericho Cane), 2) Both involves nuclear explosions and 3) Both this movie and the pilot episode of Jericho have The Killers ''All These Things That I've Done'' (one in an BLAM moment with Justin Timberlake miming the song in a weird musical number). Seriously, I'm not sure if Richard Kelly watched that show and re-edit the script that's been done before 9/11 attack.

If this is Justin's attempt to do an duet with The Killers, then it seems to have failed.

It may seem to be the worst Independence Day movie ever but the world is still going so if you excuse me while I'm gonna watch Eraserhead, Blue Velvet and Mulholland Drive in one setting because at least these movies had some sort of sense. Oh, and you want a detailed and more-funnier review... you know a site called Agony Booth so uh, I will give the link to the first-timers just in case: http://www.agonybooth.com/recaps/Southland_Tales_2006.aspx