Goodbye Blogger, Hello Nurse!

This is officially the last post in this version of the website since I had relocated to an different site at http://ludovicotech.wordpress.com/. It has the same stuff but is partially rewritten and proofread (meaning I changed the Backstreet Boys caption from "coming" to "comic" and I don't why I miss that?) plus couple of additions before I used my new articles there.

And last and not least, I thought I did a shameless plug on another blog-site called "The Observation Notes" which involves an blogger known as "inmate977" who talks everything about The Asylum including those Team 80s Icon shirts so check it out at http://observationnotes.blogspot.com and so on. Well, It's a bidding farewell to my Blogger site so I wish I have an montage song involved... but I didn't released anything in a couple of weeks so no Green Day's "Good Riddance" here. Seeya :)

Asylum Seeker: 2012 - Supernova

WARNING: This review is (for now) reviewable in Mozilla Firefox and other browsers because something's up with it on Internet Explorer and I try to fix it (if you read the previous review, You've been wondering why I'm relocated this site in a couple of weeks time).

Before I start, I was gonna do an review of "Transmorphers: The Fall Of Man" but it somehow became an okay movie despite being an prequel to an very bad movie. Well, I do like the first half because of Bruce Boxleiter's acting while the second half... it is the usual prelude to an bad movie and is nothing interesting (it even has an ancestor to one of the first film's characters). So instead, I find an different Asylum movie that may make me angry than the last time and found an mockbuster... sort of!

The subtitle to the movie should be known as "The Fall Of Men" or "The Fall Of Mankind" because it can't be an alien invasion mockbuster if it involves the "fall" of one single bloke.

You see, I'm taking on the second movie made by The Asylum to involve the "2012 Phenomenon" and obviously an cash-in against Roland Emmerich's blockbuster. The first is released earlier and is known as "2012: Doomsday" but I will get to that soon so now I'm taking on a different piece of shit. I'm still not sure which one is the mockbuster and which one isn't anymore because there are two movies with "2012" stamped on it. They completely non-canonical to each other in terms of events and I don't know if The Asylum will make an movie called "2012: [Add An Subtitle]" but hey, that's Asylum for you.

Oh shit, I forgot about the fact that Titanic II also sets in the year 2012 but at least it doesn't have an apocalyptic scenario in this movie (Plus I’m reviewing this movie and not the novel so stay tuned).

The movie revolves Kelvin (Brian Klause, in an bad movie other than "Stephen King's Sleepwalker") whose mission is to save earth from some supernova shockwaves (or something like that). As for Tina (Najarra Townsend) and Laura (Heather McComb) whom after surviving an earthquake that killed two NASA agents (with an gun) that they must take an hideout to a bomb shelter. However, There's earthquakes, cyclones, superstorms and anything else on the way. First of all, The supernova that occurs in the movie is from the Lyra Constellation happening 200 years prior to the story (and the events referred to this movie occurs "Today" instead of 2012 for unknown reason). Second, The NASA somehow became an amalgamation of an usual space headquarters and a place full of agents with the guns. Since when does NASA became an federal agency? It's like saying “NCIS is the show with Lawrence Fishburne while CSI has that DiNizzo guy as the main character”.

An screenshot from “2012: Supernova” and several other Asylum movies that uses the same stock footage over and over and…

This movie is really that stupid and it has everything you should expect - from Terrorist saboteurs to stock footage from another Asylum movie (it has an scene of meteor showers over an city, does any of it sound familiar?) and an racial-insensitive Russian character Dzerzhinsky (played by an "Alan Poe" in his movie debut). Even there's an masked saboteur in fighting scenes with Kelvin and it's obviously an female because the later scene has the same saboteur unmasked and working for Kelvin meaning it's making us viewers dumb. I'm not really gonna say this is the worst Asylum mockbuster I've seen and I do wanna watch it for curiosity's sake. It's just an average asylum mockbuster with all Hollywood science, hammy acting and the average special effects. I would say it's recommended but if anything, it's just like few other Asylum movies and it's just my own opinion anyway so make your choice to see it or not.

I could pitch the Asylum for an "NASA: Houston" pilot starring Kevin Bacon as an federal agent with few other Asylum players but after seeing this, there's no need for an televised mockbuster series.

TGWTG Film Club #7: The Departed

Note: While TGWTG Film Club changes movies each week, I have a bit of falling behind at this point. The reason why is because I've decided to make an podcast series called "Ludovico FM" but don't worry, I still make written reviews while trying to finish up my "Just A Harmless Attack" series plus this site might have a little relocation sooner or later. So anyway, let me start this review.

Any director has their ups and downs during their careers and Martin Scorsese is no exception since I know the cast members of The Sopranos made fun of him because he made "Kundum". I seen several of his movies and the last Scorsese movie prior to this that I have seen is The Aviator and it's pretty weird enough that Gwen Stefani gets a role. What? Lori Petty is not available (actually, don't get her since she still sucks) and that movie suffered Leonardo DiCaprio to slow his career down before The Departed. By the time this movie hits, it gained a couple of Oscars and great performances which ignite an "unofficial" comeback to Jack Dawson himself (this is before Inception and Scorsese's Shutter Island).

I bet Today's Gangster Culture makes fun of Scorsese because of "A Shark's Tale". Am I Right, My Homies?

This movie focuses on two different subplots – The first subplot involves Billy Costigan (Leonardo DiCaprio) whom after graduated to the police force has suddenly become an undercover agent to check on the wrong-doings of Frank Costello (Jack Nicholson). While investigating, He stumbles in the Brooklyn crime of blood and murder while he developed a relation with psychiatrist Madolyn Madden (Vera Farmiga). I can tell you that if you seen the trailers and television spots that if Billy Costigan will make it throughout the movie then here’s something you should know – It’s an Scorsese movie so don’t expect everything.

I've been wondering what Jack Nicholson and Matt Damon is watching at the cinema - I bet it has something to do with an emo teenager and an imaginary bunny named Frank.

The second subplot focuses on Colin Sullivan (Matt Damon) who’s been raised as part of Costello’s family of organised crime and had just graduated from the police force and had developed a relationship with Madolyn. Yeah, those two subplots involve both Billy and Colin becoming a narc and is a lover of the same psychiatrist. You might think it’s Hostel 1 & 2 combined but Eli Roth has nothing on Scorsese and those subplots are connected in a genius way possible. And what’s also genius about it is that “X” influences he lifted from Howard Hawks version of Scarface. By The Way, Has any guest stars of MTV’s Cribs ever seen the 1930s version instead of Brian De Palma’s acclaimed classic?

This makes the X-Men movies series more foreshadowing when it comes to the deaths of Jean Grey, Cyclops and Professor Xavier amongst many others. Damn, I hope Deadpool won’t be on the list (and I mean when it’s played by Ryan Reynolds and not some idiot who cannot speak).

This movie is a definitive of a modern masterpiece and is Martin back to this roots that he started on Mean Streets, it has good storytelling, awesome dialogue (especially from Nicholson and all-cursive Mark Wahlberg) and powerful score. There’s twists and turns and I can’t wait for the sequel because of one thing – Robert DeNiro returns to the movies directed by Scorsese. I fucking love DeNiro as an antagonist in those kinds of movies (he plays a corrupted senator) and I like to see how it goes so fingers crossed on that.

Leonardo DiCaprio and Mark Wahlberg could be the best Hip-Hop duo if Marky Mark remained an hip-hop artist.

World's Greatest Dad: What A Dark Comedy

We all know stuff about "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" phenomenon and it might be that possible that I might have met Kevin Bacon through these "six degrees" situation. I can't start and end at that point but I do say that it's now certain that I have met Bob Goldthwait. How? Because I went to this year's Supanova Convention at Sydney and met his former co-star Michael Winslow. Yeah, The point of where I have met Michael Winslow is seque to the point I met the director of this movie that I'm reviewing. Scary Enough, It might suggest I have met Steve Guttenberg through the "six degrees" theory.

Wanna know what's ironic? I have also actually met Rob Schneider when he promotes that Deuce Bigalow sequel in my quiet hometown of Liverpool. No really, I have met Deuce Bigalow himself when he's the only celebrity that I know have come to my hometown and that's freakin' scary!

The movie is World's Greatest Dad and it proves that Bob Goldthwait is not just that guy from Police Academy sequels (does anybody know he directed episodes of Chappelle's Show?) and it focuses on Lance Clayton (Robin Williams) whom while he's still an teacher in high school, he's also an author on writer's block and an hated father to his son Kyle. The character of Kyle is possibly the kind of son who's both an emo and an horny virgin with an hatred on both music and movies (he called these stuff "gay" and thinks Heavy Metal is the "faggiest" of all musical genres). While Lance is concerned that Kyle's dumbness might have send him to special education classes, something else happened when Kyle is jerkin' off the mobile pictures of Lance's girlfriend/co-worker Claire's pantyshots (he's actually doing doing autoerotic asphyxiation) which immediately killed him.

If this were another movie, I would be happy to see Kyle died while jerkin' off with that autoerotic asphyxiation technique but this is a movie directed by Bobcat Goldthwait so there must be hilarity, right?

If you just read the screen-caption, I'm correct that there's gonna be hilarious part of this black comedy story as Lance decide to fake Kyle committed suicide which also involves writing an suicide note. The note actually drew attention within the school and everybody thinks Kyle is talented (except Kyle's friend Andrew) and it leads Lance to write an counterfeit journal that gains an cult following. Lance is living the dream with his girlfriend, his friends and the school itself but for how long? Oh Crap, I just spoiled the story...

Did I spoil the whole movie? Well, I didn't tell you all about the ending, what's funny about this movie and everything else so at least I didn't spoil everything!

This movie is perfect vehicle for Robin Williams and unlike the other movie released that time known as "Old Dogs", It should be one of his greatest along with Dead Poets Society, One Hour Photo and Insomnia. Despite it being an independent comedy (and surprisingly co-produced by Richard Kelly), it should have hit it big in the worldwide box office. Maybe there will be a time when one of Bobcat's future directorial efforts will be on that path but seeing as we living in a world where the only huge Robin Williams movies are mostly the lame ones (eg. Richard Donnor's Jack). Well, I recommend everybody to see this movie including the anti-Robin Williams followers.

Old Dogs - The only way I could see this movie is because Seth Green's in it. However, He also voiced in the horrible show that is Family Guy (just get off the show and do more Robot Chicken, please).

Just A Harmless Attack #2: Social Networks

It's already obvious that we live in the kind of age of tomorrow that even H.G. Wells didn't get to describe in one of his novels. We have portable MP3 Players, Hybrid Vehicles and Touch-Screen Computers that might sometimes have an glitch in somebody's free time. I'm kind of an social type when it comes to various forms of Internet - from Forums, YouTube and Email Services. But for Social Networks, I'm kinda an anti-Social type when it comes to that so I'm gonna give my take on three major Social Networks plus one that I so against. Thankfully, I don't anything to say about CraigsList or Tagged because I never researched/visited those so in this "Just A Harmless Attack" installment - It's me against most of The Social Network.

MySpace: This is unlike anything I done before but here's an surprise - I have nothing against MySpace at all. And it's for a good reason. Even if I haven't checked out MySpace for several months, I still think of it as the original starting point of The Social Network itself. Well, I have little problems involving that but it's not like I'm gonna blame Tom Anderson for that. First, It's this MySpace member known as Corey Worthington and you might have heard of him. He's the so-called "face of Generation Y" and I fully hate this cunt. He's responsible for hosting the biggest parties in his parent's house that generated police forces and publicity and his second 15 minutes of fame is appearing in an "downunder" version of Big Brother. I really hate this jerkoff and he's by far the only member of MySpace that I wanna see him get comatose. Gee, I'm now heading for an dark territory.

I'm not certain but this picture of Tom Anderson is always on MySpace and there's no other updated picture of the man responsible for the original social network. Is he missing or something?

Another thing is that it has an spinoff network and I'm not gonna attack this. I'm just surprised that this site still exists today. What I'm referring to is MyDeathSpace.com and involves deceased members of MySpace which is still surprising. I never visited that site and I know this because WikiPedia have an entry on this. At least I do have say one thing - If there's an perverted jerkoff visited this site and get turned on by any deceased member. He/she should have been captured by the authorities by then because MyDeathSpace is only preferrable to be viewable for innocent families and friends (maybe some MySpace members) to each deceased member.

Corey Worthington - I'm not sure but since Lady Gaga was accused of being an hermaphrodite, I'm theorising that she used to this party asshole before an unheard-of sex change but that's just my theory.

Facebook: Like MySpace, I have nothing much against about Facebook. But unlike MySpace, I might go to the site anytime I want. Why? I'm one of those members of the "Tron: Legacy" viral campaign and it's because of the forthcoming success of David Fincher's The Social Network. This site is indeed mostly harmless since there's always news about stalkers and other evils on the internet. When I think of the ongoing MySpace and Facebook battle, It's kinda similar to the Coca-Cola Wars which is still happening since Pepsi is still around. So this is very shorter than anything else so my choice is Facebook is cool and awesome.

This is the person Justin Timberlake is gonna based on in the upcoming movie. Just as long as we don't see an reference to that Superbowl event then I'm okay with it. And I hope his acting is approved beyond Southland Tales.

Bebo: Now this one is an "interlude" of sorts to this installment because this network is still a major one but not in the same sense as the other three. I fucking hate Bebo and I could go on with this one. First, the name of this social network. Even though it stands for "Blog Early, Blog Often", It's still an very stupid name and the style on the website is stupid. I hardly visited this site but I know this because my younger sister used to be an member and any site is like an mid-nineties GeoCities type and all-sparkling. I have loads more but it will take up an whole fucking page so moving on to the even worse one... well, to me anyway.

You know there's an site called "Bo" which stands for "Blog Off", right? Oh, I forgot about the other two letters.

Twitter: Now before I start, I know that this network has many members that I know ranging from celebrities to my close friends so I'm not gonna attack the followers. It's just I'm attacking the site itself so what the fuck am I gonna say about Twitter? It's the Social Network counterpart to the forthcoming apocalypse. I hate this more than Bebo and I wish I could go on and on about this shit of an phenomenon. Twitter is considered to be the so-called "SMS of the Internet" and it's because it involves only 140 characters worth of each entry. Hello, we have other blog sites and it has much, much more than that. Do I even wanna check somebody's entry saying that 10 minutes ago, he wrote "I just went shat on the toilet and what comes out is Bono of U2"? Fuck no. It's sadly now dominate everywhere on Earth from news bulletins to any comic book. I actually do have one person against this thing and it's the guy who made Twitter well-known. I'm talking about Ashton Kutcher, the star of The '70's Show and Punk'd so what I do think of Ash-Kutch (okay, that's a funny nickname) now...

"I am Sir Ashton Kutcher and I invite you to follow me to the Twitterland"

That pretty much sums it up. While I can still any of his shows and movies, I now hate this fucking cunt because of what he did. Oh, and I'm not really gonna blame the network's creator Jack Dorsey because I heard he's not gonna get paid for the network's creation. I now felt sorry for him but if he have any cash involved - I could take an cruise to America and gone to his house to kick him in the groin even if he has bodyguard near him. But since he felt cash-free, what's the point? He's gonna get kicked anyway and he doesn't have bodyguards to pay for. Okay, maybe I did blame Jack for what I said so here's an screen-caption before I make an closing point of this installment...

Jack Dorsey looks a bit like Eli Roth so if it's played by him in an movie about Twitter, it means the Twitter members have been "ooh faced" by the director of Hostel.

So to end this installment, I can say that I can handle the sites that is MySpace and Facebook but I'm not an fanatic when it comes to Twitter and Bebo. Fuck, I once even heard Bebo's shutting down for good riddance to them hopefully anyway. I might be wrong on that part so until I make another instead of "Just A Harmless Attack", please don't give your social network an very shitty name.

Next Installment: I'm taking on the Dance Movies of both last and this decade. That means They gonna get served by me.

TGWTG Film Club #6: RoboCop

Back in the eighties, We were given the kind of people that are considered icons from Chuck Norris to Pierre Kirby to... Steve Guttenberg (so sue me if I still like those Police Academy movies). There are also fictional characters that became part of our media culture and one of them is the perfect police officer known as RoboCop. Ever since the first movie hits, RoboCop is one of the franchises that is still around but today's people hardly took an notice. It gained two sequels, couple animated series, an television series and countless comic books. And yet, RoboCop isn't as big as Star Wars and Star Trek combined but is near there. I remember seeing this movie when I was a kid and despite the R-Rating, I can still watch it even with my soon-to-be divorced parents involved because it's that nostalgic anyway.

You know what? This would have been the best RoboCop sequel that I badly wanna see, I ain't kidding.

I really need to get an life but anyway let me review the first movie in an retrospective style. The movie sets within in the not-too-distant future and it involves Officer Alex Murphy (Peter Weller) and his partner Anne Lewis (Nancy Allen) as they try to bring justice to the war-torn streets of Detroit (which seems to be too late despite Devil's Nights and Gangsta Rapping involved there) but Murphy himself got killed off by one of the local gangs, which is lead by Clarence Boddicker (Kurtwood "Red Foreman" Smith). But don't worry, the Omni Consumer Products corporation have the chance to rebuilt him and became the six-million dollar icon known as RoboCop (I'm gonna stop making references to other television shows and movies). Meanwhile, Dick Jones has an alternative known as the ED-209 who is so antagonistic enough to kill few humans in the flick.

Kurtwood Smith came a long way from an little show with Patrick Swayze as an gang leader. What? You haven't heard to the short-lived television show "The Renegades"? Gee, I have seen the stuff you humans never seen (okay, this is the last shout-out reference and I swear to God on that).

While being resurrected as RoboCop, Alex Murphy has to obey the law while gaining his old memories involving his family along the way. And guess what? The action gets more bloody beyond Murphy's death involving the death of few characters before the showdown with ED-209. The movies then closes out with Dick Jones facing an crisis in the boardroom which results to his death and RoboCop giving the name "Murphy" to the president of the OCP corporation. The end (and that was pretty fast).

Finally, something worse that his own sex tape – Dustin Diamond as RoboScreech with boobs!

With Paul Verhoeven's directing style, This movie is very known and is must-recommended to those who haven't seen RoboCop. It's an stand-out for its ultra-violence through catchphrases (eg. "I buy that for a dollar") and it's also prefect to be just an stand-alone movie. Even those commercials (I wanna play that nuke board game) is awesome. Heck, It even has great sequel like the one with an foul-mouth pre-pubescent gang member. Okay, bad example but what about the flying Robocop one. Uhhhh, I remember an television show with that “Commander Cash” involved. You know what? Just see the first one because the others suck anyway.

Additional screencaptions time...

Michaelangelo approves of an Robocop Pajama guy so Cowabunga, Dude!

I wish I could interrupt Kanye West with the fact that his song is good but the movie is 100% friggin' times better. Oh yeah, I wanna go there.

Is this how Paul Verhoeven thinks of Robocop as an “American Jesus” figure (and in addition, Why there's an remakesploitation of Robocop that I haven't heard?)

Oh, not another one. How the heck did I miss that?

Asylum Seeker: Metal Man

NOTE: This is the second of the ongoing "Asylum Seeker" which only reviews any movies that's either original or mockbuster to The Asylum. In addition, it also focuses on other mockbuster movies that's not done by The Asylum themselves in anyway whatsoever. Why is it the second? Well, Let's unofficially call "The Apocalypse" the first and get on with that.

I seen nearly all Comic Book media adaptations since it's one of my chosen sub-genres to anything and it's probably because I'm an self-obsession comic book fanatic and I got a little confession when it comes to these adaptations. I seen Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, Howard The Duck & Batman and Robin and surprisingly enjoyed it. Why? I was a dumb kid when I have the only Superman sequel on VHS and was over-hyped on B&R when Arnie plays the villain. Damn, I wish I have that Doritos Cells Tie-In. As for Howard the Duck, It's now an "so-bad-it's-good" cult favorite. So sue me if I like these bad movies but if anything, They are nothing bad than this shitty mockbuster movie known as Metal Man. It's the worst rip-off of Iron Man ever made and it's surprisingly made by an studio other than The Asylum. It's that bad that I wish The Asylum did made the movie but denied that it's one of their properties.

Wow, The tagliners of the first RoboCop movie is sure gonna make an lawsuit

Before I start, I could say a couple of things. One is the production/release year of the movie - I wish I could give you the full details but I'm not sure of when it was made. Some places suggests it's made in either 2008, 2009 or this year. They should make up their fucking mind. If it's really made in 2008, I could spoil the whole story but I sworn myself to spoil a little other than the ending and twists to any movie release this year and the year before. I do make an new suggestion - I'll review it again as an second opinion and spoil you the full-length horror even if it's released this year. Another is that I'm surprised this movie existed. Why? Because not long ago, I did an DIY game on That Guy with the Glasses forum called "Make Your Own Asylum Mockbuster" which involves our take on rip-offs of any movies that Asylum hasn't done yet and this is one of the entry to the game. Why not my ideal rip-off of Twilight instead of this? Now all I wanna see is the moment that Joe Quesada sued these filmmakers now.

If you seen Metal Man, There's an chance that you should forgiven Joe Q for that "One More Day" disaster. And surprisingly, I'm now one of the people so you're now forgiven, mister quesada.

There's an story and a sub-plot involved - The story is that Kyle Finn (Samuel Nathan Hoffmire) is an college student who assigns to an experiment conducted by Dr. Arthur Blake (Reggie Bannister of Phantasm II-IV fame). During the experiment, Kyle is locked in cryogenic status (or something like that) with an "Metal Man" suit and Arthur got killed by the antagonist Sebastian Reed (P. David Miller). In an event of Arthur's death, Kyle now avenges and becomes the shitty hero that is Metal Man while he is aided by the so-called virtual simulation of Arthur himself (hidden on his armor helmet). Well, the whole part of the story is partly true but one minor flaw that I don't wanna reveal just yet. Trust me on this.

Didja know there's an actor known as "Count Smokula" playing an news reporter in this movie!!!

The sub-plot involves Dr. Marissa Lee (Jill Shackelford whom surprisingly both the actress's name and her character is missing on Metal Man IMDB page at the time I wrote this) works for Sebastian but secretly wanna stop him for the death of her father (It might be Arthur Blake or something else but it's not mentioned anyway) and her attempts failed when her assistant (Katherine Pawlek, previously well-known as "Emma" on those Lonelygirl15 videos) being killed and an latter scene of Sebastian pulling Marissa's hair while being an bastard to her. I'm seriously saying this so Sebastian Reed is the worst villain I have ever seen.

This is how Dr. Marissa Lee's assistant died in this movie. If you turned on by this picture, please seek help.

You Know What? It is now considered to me (and few-to-many others) as the worst Superhero movie ever made. It made me fucking depressed and pissed-off and I haven't been like that since the first (and only) time I watched Uwe Boll's Seed. Oh, Don't worry, I'm back to my normal ways now. First thing I have to say is the acting and while Arthur Blake and Marissa Lee are the only okay characters (well almost), I have problems with the others. First is Kyle Finn, He act like an whining bitch at the early minutes he's stuck in Metal Man suit and he doesn't act like an full-pledged superhero. Not only that, He didn't kill any supervillains because of Arthur's death (and one thing that I'm saving for another time so trust me on that as well). He did save about three whole people in the movie - Marissa, Some coked-up girl and Julie, Kyle's girlfriend but that's about it. Kyle saving three people, not killing villains (even sending them to prison would be okay but none of that anyway) and... Oh, I forgot to mention that the only time Metal Man ever flied is during the ending credit montage. This is an Iron Man rip-off movie and the only time to see him flying is after the main storyline ended. Are they fucked up in the head?

Metal Man, The only hero who refused to fly during the whole movie.

Then came Sebastian Reed, I'm just gonna say that whoever dated the actor himself should either date somebody else or get out of her closet because he's an woman-hitting bastard. He's worse than any villain I seen from The Red Skull (1990s Captain America Movie version) through even Sharon Stone in Catwoman. This actor should be having an heart-attack right now because I don't wanna see him act again after this travesty. Then we get to Kyle's girlfriend Julie (Leah Grimsson) and she also whines when she got captured by Reed's henchman. She even fucking acts like that when she sees Kyle being stuck in the Metal Man armor and I'm glad that the scene involving her and Kyle in the farm barn literally exits her character and it's that funny. Sure, there's this very-pointless dream sequence involving them later on but then she just exited stage left.

Julie is played by Leah Grimsson, her previous role is an 13-year-old character in "Polanski Unauthorized". Wait, What?

I got nothing much on Marissa's assistant and few others because they're pretty much forgettable but I do say something about Kyle's other enemy that is the Mecha Terror (which is owned by Sebastian Reed) and I think it was supposed to be the other main attraction but the thing is that he has pretty much an short theatrical appearance in the only battle that involves an an plane with innocent passengers and pilots being destroyed. That's right, An plane with unknown people is destroyed during the battle of Metal Man and Mecha Terror - Which one did it? Fuck if I'm telling you this so unless you pick the copy - remember my shitty rules.

This is what the Mecha Terror looked like. Is everybody pleased or not?

So there's the first take on my review. This movie is utterly shit, the acting is that bad and there's fillers here and there (for example, the most pointless Dream Sequence ever filmed). And for the armor, I think the Iron Man seen in Disaster Movie is a bit better than this. I'm now pissed again. And since The Cinema Snob does reviews on Shot-On-Shitteo movies, Metal Man could be "Shot-On-Bad-Porno" type of movie because of the camera quality. Come to think of it, Metal Man could have been the "Rule 34" reimagining of the Armored Avenger himself but there's no softcore/hardcore fucking involved.

If your boyfriend looks like an bad Iron Man Cosplayer, please tell him if he's seen "Metal Man" and runaway if he did.

And one last thing I like to say is the song in the final credits - All of us had rock out with Black Sabbath playing Iron Man (or some instrumental cover) in the movie but this tune known as "Heavy Metal Man" by Captain Crunch is nothing like that at all - Heavy Metal Man doesn't have the same type of musical style as Black Sabbath even if it's Ozzy, Dios and some other singer. I'm gonna spit this out now - Captain Crunch, don't ever tour in the land of Australia or you will get thrown by an beer bottle by me or somebody else. Yeah, I'm threatened this fucking band so now I wanna hear their say on that and I really do.

Ever since this band started singing, I also now forgiven both Nickelback and Creed and listened to their songs instead.

I'm seriously saying that this movie should not exist at all. Better yet, I still want Joe Q to sue these fuckers and let that lawsuit be mentioned in an issue of Wizard Magazine. And last and not least, This could be an perfect new flick to be on top of the IMDB Bottom 100 charts perhaps forever. I wish any of those happened so I'm saying now that if you like this movie at all, Please go to the nearest mental asylum and say "Shock Treatment" repeatedly (but don't say like you wanna see that 1980s cult classic). I don't wanna talk about this movie but maybe in 12 months time, I might. I even gonna spoil the shit, the whole shit and nothing else but this piece of shit. Seriously, this movie is that awful so I should stop. Now I need to lie down and return to my comfort zone.

The Room Screencaptions

Note: Due to the fact that Nostalgia Critic and ObscuraLupa's separate reviews of "The Room" is putted back on blip.tv website. I decide to delete my original note and leave the screencaptions instead.

Forget Joaquin Phoenix, I wanna see Tommy Wiseau in the rap game.

Hmm, At least it's nothing like that billboard to The Brown Bunny.

Justine Ezarik is gonna star on ''The House That Drips Blood On Alex'' so expect some out-of-nowhere sex scenes and repeated use of dialogue involving cheating on Tommy's character with somebody else.

It might seem like an April Fool's Joke back then but I badly wanna buy this comic instead of that awful Lady Gaga one!

Just A Harmless Attack #1: Twilight

Note: The following comments and jokes might offend Twilight fanatics. Then again, It might not so if you hate Twilight then please read along but if you like Twilight, well you can join in as well.

It is now certain that I'm yet another Anti-Twilight fan (or in their case, a''Twi-Hater''!) and while I wish I was called something else that these "Twi-Hards" having giving us (seriously, who named these names), I'm already certain that a very little group of people that likes the franchise is now reading this article. Well, I don't blame them if they hate the way I'm gonna talk about. Though, They should know that I'm not the person who thinks Twilight sucks so at least, I will be safe on this one. Oh and I try to keep it to an minimum just in case that I'm not some Internet Troll.

Spot The Difference: One of them is not an Twilight Cosplayer and somehow ended up on this picture.

First I'm gonna talk about the actors (and less about their characters) and I'll start off with the ''heartthrob'' that is Robert Pattison. Though I hardly seen any Harry Potter movie adaptations (I don't hate Harry Potter so that one is clear off the JAHA series), I know the fact that Robert himself is one of those adaptations and an perfect reason why the Hollywood executives are looking for an pale-skin vampire for this soon-to-be talked about movie. I'm not much against this guy but I do have something against two of his nicknames – R-Prattz and Spunky Ransom. These are the two of the weirdest nicknames for any celebrity that I ever heard. First of all, R-Prattz sounds like an childish rapper sensation and that seems to just cover it. Second of all, Spunky Ransom is both stupid and far-out funny. Not that it sounds like one of the names seen in ''Porn Star Name Generator'', It's just an funny ring to some teenage heartthrob. Spunky Ransom... It should have suit for somebody else but for this Edward guy, it's a bit hilarious.

''Duhhh... I'm Spunky Ransom. I'm da bess vampire in da hall wide road''

Then we get to his real-life (or staged) girlfriend herself, Kristen Stewart. Prior to Twilight, I have nothing against her anyway. She was good in Panic Room. But when she appears in the following scenes of this movie, She just looks either doped-out or very sleepy. Gee, I'm not even sure if she's acting perfectly. Let's say the next Twilight adaptation failed big in the box office and an premature ending to the franchise, then what will happen to ''K-Stew''? With or without Spunky Ransom, her life is probably darker. But that's just my point-of-view.

''Hey...I'm Kristen Stewart... And you might have seen me... Where's that coffee that I ordered?''

Then we get to Jacob Black himself, Taylor Lautner. I seen his previous role in ''The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl'' (Hey, I'm an Robert Rodriquez fan) and I enjoyed a bit of his performance but it's nothing interesting. But when he gets to Twilight itself. He is nothing interesting on the first one (which is the only one I seen... so far!) and that's before he went big on the sequels. Uh, I got one thing against him – He did the usual William Shatner shirtless routine (and that also goes with the rest of his Werewolf pack). Why? Is It just another fanservice idea for all the female fans? I don't much care about that.

This is the guy who not only used to be in ''The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl'' and yet, He is actually ''terrified'' of actual sharks.

I can't say much of the supporting cast, the villains and so on. And that's probably because I seen the first movie. But when I seen the television spots, the websites and anything else. It looks pretty weird and the weirdest to me is Dakota Fanning as an red-eyed vampire something, an shirtless Werewolf pack and that Jasper guy. Something is weird and fucked-up about this and If I were stoned watching any of these movies, will it work or still be weird?

Why does this image of Twilight Werewolves remind of something?

Oh, that's it! It reminds me of an screenshot to some bad David DeCoteau movie (Gee, Samantha Mayer must have strange taste).

The second part of this article involves the directors and while the first two is unheard-of-me (to me and until now), I can something about the one who directed Eclipse. First we have Catherine Hardwicke, the one who made the first one. She was already well-known for Thirteen, The Nativity and Lords Of Dogtown. I seen Thirteen and it didn't interest me and I enjoyed watching Lords Of Dogtown (I haven't seen The Nativity but maybe I will some day). Well, She deserved an free pass even though this is the director who did the first Twilight movie so I'm moving on to the second director. The one responsible for New Moon is Chris Weitz and he's the one responsible for Fantasy Island (the one with Malcolm McDowell), Down To Earth and About A Boy. I think he also has an free pass because well... I seen the stuff he did and also enjoyed it. Now comes David Slade. Then we have David Slade. Give me an second to think about my take on David Slade...

AAARRGGGHHH! Why Does David Slade suddenly direct an Twilight movie? Why?

Okay, done screaming at the outdoors. David Slade is the guy who did two of the best movies I very much enjoyed – Hard Candy and 30 Days of Night. He also made some cool music videos and prior to knowing he direct Eclipse, I think of him as one of the coolest directors of the last decade (I also think Richard Kelly is cool but he then made Southland Tales) and he is directing this sequel. What the fuck happened to you? You made Hard Candy, an perfect tale of Ellen Page brutalising an possible paedophile that is Patrick Wilson and you made 30 Days Of Night, one of the coolest comic book adaptation and this is how you end up with. Why? Is it because of the money? Is it because you like Vampires so much that the executives say no to you on ''Dark Days''? What just happened here? I'm not sure anymore but the person who directed Eclipse is not the David Slade I enjoyed and I'm pretty sure that you're replaced by an doppelganger or something. I'm gonna go outdoors again and scream in terror before I move on the next part.

This is how somebody else feels when he realised who directed Eclipse?

Okay, I'm gonna stay sane and get through this. Now comes the plot device. I already mentioned that I seen the first one and I should mentioned that I never read any novels (including Twilight) since well, sometime after school. I'm an fanatic comic book reader and it's the only medium of my reading material (other than news articles). This universe of Vampires and Werewolves seems to be inaccurate and it's not just that ''A Vampire Shines on Sunlight'' thing, it's something else. It could be that so-called ''Volturi'' and I seen better vampire coven in Buffy and Angel. Then again, it could be something else. There's also an Vampire-vs-Werewolf thing happening in Eclipse and I'm pretty sure that Stephanie Meyer watched too much of Underworld (or that awful sequel/prequel movies). I'm sorry if I can't help figuring it out what the fuck is going on so you just reading to an person who hasn't seen ''New Moon'' or ''Eclipse'' just yet.

The Bella lookalike is played by MistressMelia and damn, that is how accurate Kristen Stewart supposes to look.

This part of the attack is the Fandom itself and fuck me, I never seen the franchise so big since the Lord Of The Rings hits the big screen. There's stationary, graphic novels, figurines and even fake shit here. I'm pretty sure there's even an no-budget porn version of Edward and Bella's adventures. This... is getting way out of hand. Even the part about the nicknames like ''Twi-Hards'' and ''Twi-Haters'' which begs me the question on those nicknames. Why? It's more stupid than ''R-Prattz'' itself. I already confessed about me being an ''Twi-Hater'' and that sounds very stupid. Where did that ''Anti-Twilight'' name go? I rejected those kind of nicknames and prefer to think of myself as Anti-Twilight humanoid. Oh, and what else is disturbing is those Edward underpants... well let me say something about on this following caption/picture...

There's no friggin' way I will have sex with an hot female while leaving this underwear on. No friggin' way.

... But I have one thing about this Fandom that I can sort-of take and it's those related Soundtracks. It has my favorite musicians involved (and several that I hardly listen). I mean, I can take Muse involved in the Twilight wagon because Stephanie's an big fan of the band. I can take Beck and Radiohead involved in it so the soundtrack is pretty much having an free pass but please, no Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga or Simple Plan on the later soundtracks, Please.

Muse: Even with them on the Twilight bandwagon, They're still one of the coolest bands I know (And I wish I could think of an joke but dammit, This is Muse).

Is there anything else that I seem to be missing. I think I'm out of ideas at this point so at last, What do I still think of Twilight Saga itself. Other than David Slade, I'm still a Anti-Twilight dude but now that I dissect this multi-million sensation, it is okay that it's still around. Will I watch New Moon and Eclipse? I do have an younger sister so who in god knows. I can tell you that I'm not looking forward to ''Vampires Suck'', the latest parody movie as done by the Selterzerberg team and it's not just because it's about fucking with Twilight, It's more of the directors themselves. So in a safe way to say this, Twilight is not the worst thing to hit us by far and if you like or hate it, do so anyway.

Though, I don't listen to much of Paramore... I find the lead singer strangely attractive and yet, I'm not an Emo teenager!

So until I take on the social network next week – I decide to either watch Buffy, Angel, True Blood, The Lost Boys (well, the first one) or Blade It because that way, at least these vampires aren't that shiny.